The last several weeks of my pregnancy were uncomfortable, but during the week before Raleigh was born I was extremely uncomfortable. I continued to have Braxton-hicks periodically (I had been having them for weeks). My back pain was constant, I couldn’t bend over to put on a pair of socks, and I had started pooping 4 or 5 times a day. On Saturday, November 8th, Josh and I went on a “last date.” We called it that even though I still had a week and a half until Raleigh’s due date. That night, we got dressed up and went to O Yummy Sushi – one of our favorite places. We ate volcano rolls, Christmas tree rolls, and cucumber salad. It was an especially sweet time – we laughed a lot and Josh was even sweeter than usual – encouraging me and telling me how thankful he was for God’s goodness and graciousness to us. Then we went and saw the movie “Interstellar.” I loved it but Josh thought it was confusing. (It was a little.) We ended up having a fight that night, which makes me sad but is just part of life. It is a testament to our love that, in spite of our fight, we were so unified the next day during the largest challenge and victory of our lives.
That night, I woke up at 2:30 (as usual) to pee. It felt a little like I had peed my pants, but I didn’t think much of it and went back to bed. Each time I got up after that I noticed more fluid – but never a gush. My contractions were the same as they had always been – just a tightening of my uterus every once in a while and especially when I peed. The next morning I lumbered through the painful process of getting ready for church, and Josh and I got to Trinity at 8:00. We had a sweet conversation in the car ride and I felt much better about how we stood after our fight. I hauled myself around through my duties of preparing for children’s church, and so enjoyed standing next to Josh in worship. (It is one of my favorite times during the whole week.) During worship, we sang “Multiplied” – a song that I happened to have put on my labor playlist. The line “I have surrendered to your design, let this offering stretch across the sky, and these hallelujahs be multiplied” especially spoke to me as I was preparing my body and mind to labor – as God had designed for me to. I could barely blink away the tears as I worshipped with such gratitude and such a full heart. I led children’s church as usual, and enjoyed my time with the kids. I even tried to touch my toes (unsuccessfully) during our morning stretches! The lesson was about believing God’s promises – and, wildly, our story was about Abraham and Sarah receiving the promise of Isaac from God!
After children’s church, Missy (my friend and birth coach/doula), came upstairs to take over during Sunday School. I told her about my “leaking,” and she told me she thought I was about to go into labor. Josh told me I had to call the Dr. I truly didn’t believe that it was time and that if I called, the physicians would laugh at me. Josh and I were driving to stop by our house before going to my mom’s to eat lasagna for lunch. I called the Dr. in spite of thinking I would be crying wolf, and was surprised when he told me to come in to have the fluid tested, just in case. Josh convinced me that we needed to grab all of our hospital stuff in case it turned out I was in labor. We quickly gathered our bags and started the 30-minute drive to Norfolk.
We both had mixed emotions as we drove – Josh told me later that he was mentally preparing for labor. I, on the other hand, was mentally preparing to be sent home for an excruciatingly long 10 more days (at least) of pregnancy.
We got to the hospital and made small talk with the nurses in the labor and delivery ward (once we found it.) I joked that something gross was going on but I didn’t know if it was really my waters or not. The nurse had me change out of my church dress and boots into a hospital gown, and the midwife, Jen, came in and took a swab of the fluid. She told me everything seemed pretty dry and it was probably nothing. She said it would take her about 15 minutes to examine the fluid under the microscope so she was sure and that she would be back to tell us. We knew something was up when she came back about a minute later. “Well, no question, it’s amniotic fluid.” I asked “So what does that mean?” “This is it!” She said, “You’re not leaving without your baby!”
It was like someone had knocked the wind out of me! It was about 12:30pm – I had had nothing to eat that day but a bowl of cheerios (an unusually small breakfast for my pregnant self), and I had NOT been emotionally or mentally prepping for the hard hours of labor that undoubtedly lay ahead.
But God is faithful and merciful and gave me the grace I needed to embrace the fact that the day of our baby’s birth was here. Josh asked the midwife if I could eat, and she told me that technically I wasn’t allowed to, but she let Josh sneak me a bowl of chicken and dumplings from the cafeteria. I ate it quickly, knowing that I would need strength and currently had an empty stomach. Jen actually broke the rest of my waters before she left the room (with a scary knitting needle type instrument) and told me that it felt like Raleigh might be bald because of how the head felt (!!!!!). The nurse hooked up a monitor to see if I was contracting – turns out I was, every 2 minutes! I was still only dilated to about a 3 though, so I knew I had a lot of work to do.
It is almost comical to look back now and see how perfectly God times everything. Josh and I had our “last date” the night before Raleigh’s birthday. I also finished my labor and delivery book by Ina May Gaskin (I HIGHLY recommend it) – so I felt fully educated for the process. While we were in the hospital, my breast pump and her stroller arrived in the mail. AND, I had finished cleaning off my phone and uploading my “labor playlist” the day before delivery. Things couldn’t have been more perfect!
Now that we knew were in it for long haul, I started turning inward. Josh called Missy and she said she was on her way, and he also called his family to have them start the 9 hour drive up. Jen told me that since the estimated time of my water breaking was 2:30am, they would have to put me on Pitocin at 2:30pm (12 hours) in order to prevent any infection in utero. That gave me a little time to try to get labor going on my own, so I started bouncing on the yoga ball, took a shower (in my socks since I didn’t bring flip-flops…EW), and turned on my labor playlist. I paced the room rapidly and when Missy got there we started timing my contractions (which had started getting longer.)
I found my emotions taking strange turns in the hours that followed. In between contractions I was laughing, crying because of song lyrics, and showing Missy and Josh tribal pictures of women in labor from my labor and delivery book. (I thought looking at pictures of women giving birth would help my cervix open…?) Once the Pitocin got started, I was limited in my positions. Because of the contraction and fetal heart monitors I was leashed to the bed. The nurse, Josh, and Missy all helped me labor over the yoga ball, on my hands and knees, and sitting up on the bed. Around this time, the nurse checked my dilation and I had progressed to 6 cm! This really encouraged me and I felt like maybe I could actually see this through. Once the contractions got more intense I got pretty comfortable in a sitting position. The contractions started to hurt in my back (like a stabbing, spreading pain), so Josh and Missy took turns applying pressure to the small of my back. I would occasionally vary the position by standing up on the bed and leaning on Josh. I labored like this for about 2 hours, and then the nurse came to check me again. To my dismay, I was still only at a 6. This was so discouraging – I was getting really tired and the contractions were getting more and more painful.
It’s hard to remember the order of events after that because I was in such a fog of pain and emotions. I actually did try some of the techniques I had read about during contractions – I tried praying, I tried imagining the baby I was about to meet, I tried reciting Psalm 23 in my head…but it really was impossible for my mind to hang onto a cohesive thought. I just remember falling back onto the bed in the fetal position with my eyes closed – my eyes felt so heavy! I lay there in exhaustion and dread between each contraction, and when the contraction would come I would seize Josh’s hand and squeeze with all my might as tears and moans barely escaped – I remember I kept saying desperately “Help me!” …even though I knew there was nothing he could do. It was around this time that I finally gasped “Is it too late for medicine?” and Josh said “Bree that’s not in our plan…” I wanted to punch him, but another contraction had taken hold by that point and it was all I could do to moan in frustration/desperation. I vaguely remember asking Josh not to breathe on me and other strange things – Josh told me that the nurses were laughing at me and saying how cute I was. (I so do not feel like I was cute.) Somewhere in those hours between 6cm and 10cm, I threw up several times, so nauseous from the pain. While throwing up, pee and who knows what else poured out of me. Josh told me later that he was mopping it up each time…what a gem of a husband he is!! It got really gross from that point forward. I remember that the turning point seemed to come when the nurse brought a big peanut shaped ball to me and wedged it in between my legs as I lay on my side. I was too much in pain to protest, but it made things so much worse – which was good, because it meant I was finally getting somewhere.
Around 10:00pm I started telling Josh that “I’m definitely pooping” and “There is poop coming out!!!!” …there wasn’t. Josh even checked with his phone to reassure me that I was not in fact pooping. I remember the nurse calling the nurses’ station what seemed like 100 times to ask where the midwife was because I was “almost 10cm with an urge to push.” I felt a big rush of panic as I knew the moment was coming when I would have to push a big baby head out of my pelvis…it seemed more impossible than ever.
I tried to position myself on my back, but the combination of the weight of my uterus and my back labor made this position extremely uncomfortable. Josh and Missy helped to position me and FINALLY Jen arrived. When she came in, she brought in a wave of calm and confidence. As a contraction would come, she would make low moans for me to mimic. She was so calm – almost nonchalant, and it was strangely comforting to know – somewhere through the fog – that this was routine for her and she wasn’t even phased. As she sat down at the foot of the bed, I remember thinking “I have to tell her I can’t do this.” So I did – I made eye contact with her and shook my head in panic and said “I can’t do this!” And she said, “Yes you can.”
(Just before I started pushing, “Multiplied” came on my labor playlist. And the song “How He Loves” was playing when Raleigh entered the world. I didn’t know this at the time but Josh told me later. Now, whenever we hear those songs, Josh and I both get choked up with joy and gratefulness. What precious memories those songs will evoke for us from now on!)
About that moment, a big contraction came and I pushed with all my might. My moans turned to bloodcurdling screams as I felt the strangest, most horrifying sensation of something wedged between my pelvis bones. Jen kept saying “Good, good job, it’s all in your butt” – which seems like a weird thing to say, but it was so reassuring for me because it FELT like it was all in my butt, so the reassurance that that was normal gave me the courage to bear down with all my strength. I remember Josh and Jen saying they could see her hair. At one point Jen said “There’s a dime sized piece of her head!” Which terrified me because it felt like her head was already halfway out. After a couple more pushes, Josh said he could see her face. He kept telling me what a good job I was doing – but all I felt was panic. I remembered how in my birthing class they had told me to do small pushes once the head was crowning so that I wouldn’t tear, so when Jen told me I was to her ears, I tried as hard as I could to stop pushing but I couldn’t. I whimpered for a few moments and then, with the next contraction, pushed as hard as I could. I think that must have been when I tore (2 degree tear). I kept screaming and pushing, pushing and screaming. It seemed like eternity, but I found out later I only pushed about 5 times and it took about 15 minutes. I remember feeling her shoulders come out and then the rest of her body slide out.
Almost instantly, Jen flipped her up onto my belly and there, all of the sudden, I was looking at my baby. She was so wriggly and purple and slippery and my agony instantaneously transformed into ecstasy. She had a short cord, so for a few minutes she lay in the center of my stomach. The nurses must have wiped her down and put a hat on her, but I don’t remember that. I do remember Jen saying that most of the blood had pumped back into her from the placenta so it was safe to cut the cord. Someone handed Josh scissors and I watched him, as if in a dream, cut through the strange purplish cord. Then I pulled the foreign and yet intimately familiar little creature up to my chest. I murmured incoherent things to her – it was as if I was high on something, because, looking back, the things I said were so weird. I think I said “Mommy’s vagina hurts so much but you were worth it!” and “Someday, you’ll get to experience this!” I also said “I love you so much” and “My baby.” I kept asking “Is she ok? Is she ok?” Because she wasn’t crying that much – and everyone kept saying, “Yes, she’s perfect!” The euphoria of that moment is inexplicable. It’s as if my entire life had been building to one climax and this was it.
While I was holding her, I felt Jen tug the placenta right out – it hurt a little but nothing like before. Then she gave me 2 shots and started stitching me up. It was unpleasant and I kept saying “ow ow ow” as I held Raleigh. I felt scared to move her too much – as if she were a fragile little china doll. After a few minutes, she started nuzzling my chest on her own. I remember our teachers telling us that a newborn would do that – but I was still shocked! The fact that she instinctively knew to search for milk was amazing to me. She never latched on fully, but I also remembered them saying in my class that this hour was more about us getting to know each other than her getting in a good feeding, so I didn’t stress out.
At some point Jen said, “Look! She doesn’t even have a cone head, you have a perfect pelvis!” She also told me I would be a perfect candidate for the midwifery. All of these things were surprising and so empowering for me – the fact that I made it through this delivery so well honestly shocked me. I have always thought of myself as a small, weak, un-athletic person, (I am 5’3” and not much of sports girl), so I thought that un-medicated childbirth might prove to be too much for me. To find out that my body was, in fact, PERFECT for childbirth astonished me and filled me with pride! I felt like I could do anything.
They finally took Raleigh to weigh and wash her, and then her sweet Daddy finally got a chance to hold her. Watching him meet and fall in love with her was one of the most precious moments of my life. Around that time, my mom brought me…a Big Mac. As much as I hate McDonalds, it sounded so good to me in that moment! I ate half of it and some fries and felt so much better. Throughout all of this, my in-laws and parents and siblings came in and out and cooed over Raleigh. (She is the first grandchild on both sides.
Around 1am we got wheeled to the recovery room, and I remember being shocked at how kind the nurse was who helped me clean up my body after delivery. She was all in my business – spraying me clean, helping me get dressed – I remember thinking you certainly must have a special calling to do a job like this.
When we got to our room, we let each of the grandparents take a turn holding Raleigh and my sister got some pictures. When everyone finally left, Josh passed out on the couch and I lay in the bed staring at my baby. I knew there was no way I could sleep that night. Every 3 hours I tried to have a feeding – it was touch and go at first but she would occasionally get a strong latch and that encouraged me. Nurses kept coming in and out and at some point Raleigh had her first poop.
The process of writing this story has made me realize that I had a very easy physical recovery and a pretty hard emotional recovery. I barely even had painkillers in the 2 days at the hospital – the nurse would say, “What’s your pain on a scale of 1-10?” And I kept thinking what a stupid question that was since I had just experienced labor. Compared to labor??? This pain was like ….less than 1. But I would lie and say “Um…like a 4?” And they would give me a motrin. It was painful getting in and out of bed but that was about it.
Emotionally though, I was a wreck. I had strange, irrational emotions about other people holding Raleigh – it was like giving her to someone else for even just 5 minutes would give me gut-wrenching separation anxiety. Even though I knew my feelings were ridiculous, they were still very real and very overwhelming. Raleigh kept failing her hearing test (SEVERAL times), so Josh and I were panicking a bit because of that, and every time they would come take Raleigh to the nursery I was conscious of an increasing sense of anxiety. Eventually, I decided to take a shower when the nursery came to get her for her 3rd hearing test. I got out of bed, and on the way to the bathroom, I stopped in the middle of the room, and started sobbing. I stood there, feeling my big saggy belly and my throbbing crotch – BABYLESS. Without a baby in my belly or in my arms I felt so helpless and sad and desperate. Josh came and hugged me and comforted me and helped me take a shower – which felt really good.
We went to a discharge class which I could barely stay awake through, and there were like 10 other couples in there – all with their babies. We didn’t have ours. Raleigh was still in the nursery undergoing who knows what tests. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. After 45 minutes, the nurse knocked on the door of the class and brought me my baby and whispered “She passed!” Josh and I both choked back tears of relief as we finished the class.
Just as I felt like things were looking up, we went back to our room to prep for discharge, and the pediatrician came in to inform us that they needed to keep Raleigh overnight because of jaundice. I would be discharged and could wait in a “cuddle room” so that I could feed her every 3 hours. Should she have to stay longer, though, I would be kicked out of the cuddle room too. That was the final straw for me. I started sobbing – not because Raleigh was jaundiced (I wasn’t worried about that because Josh and I had both been too), but because they would be taking my baby. I didn’t think I could go a whole night apart from her. I was able to have a few minutes alone with Josh and he comforted me and gave me courage. I kept it together as we transferred to the cuddle room and said goodbye to Josh’s family.
The night that followed ended up being the sweetest time we had had yet. Josh and I had a sweet, quiet time alone to reflect on all that had happened, and every 3 hours a nurse would bring in my precious little bundle for a very productive 30-minute session of nursing. In between, Josh and I slept (I truly slept for the first time in about 3 days), and cuddled. The next morning we met with a different pediatrician and she told us she was happy with Raleigh’s progress and that the best thing would be for us to go home. We were overjoyed!
We finally got to leave with our sweet baby. The following week continued to be very emotionally difficult, but precious. I knew that I was a little crazy – I kept having thoughts that I was going to miss out on Raleigh’s life and that I would have so many regrets. In spite of feeling crazy and emotional, I spent lots of time cuddling my girl and learning how to be a mom. I would stare at her for hours and kiss her sweet face and thank God for her life. Breastfeeding has been surprisingly smooth and I am SO THANKFUL. Now that I am a couple of weeks out, I am able to see things with a much clearer perspective. I feel sane, and instead of anxious, I feel excited about the life God has for Raleigh. What a blessing it is to be a mother – it has truly transformed me as an individual…I will never be the same! …and I hope for many more babies. 🙂
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