So Hard, So Wonderful

If I had known how hard crafting a baby in my womb would be, I don’t know if you could have talked me into doing it. For some women it seems easy…a little bit of vomiting at the beginning, some hilarious/adorable cravings, and a cute basketball bump that *poof!* disappears once baby pops out. For them it seems like pregnancy is more of a fun chance to experiment with different fashion trends than a life/body-altering 9 month journey.

And for all those women I have seen who seemed to struggle through pregnancy tired, puffy, sick, and miserable, I have found a deep well of empathy and sisterhood. For the past 7 months, I have been operating on 60-70% of my normal energy/strength/health/etc….EVERY DAY. If I’m not nauseous and throwing up, I’m lightheaded and dizzy. If I’m not waddling from excruciating lower back pain, I’m waddling from the SO-not-funny CONSTANT pressure on my shrinking bladder. Every day chores like grocery shopping and folding laundry seem so much harder – they take longer, they require concentration and extreme effort. No more breezing through the store or doing a quick clean-up of my house…everything is a big deal now. My poor husband has had to adjust to a whole new way of life. With gladiator-like bravery he has taken on the bulk of housework, grocery shopping, meal prep – not to mention the incredibly difficult task of boosting my morale on a daily basis. He is a saint.

The experience of this pregnancy has shed light on a whole shadowed set of problems and injustices in our culture. The facts that I’ve learned about U.S. laws of maternity leave, the difficulties of breast feeding, and the general population’s very laissez-faire attitude towards women who are new or expectant mothers – it’s all very disturbing. American women are expected to waltz through pregnancy and childbirth and then jump back into work a couple of weeks later. No one wants to hear a pregnant woman complain – no one wants to make special accommodations for a woman who is literally apportioning a HUGE part of her body’s energy and resources to FORMING A BABY FROM NOTHING. It’s too inconvenient. Sure – there are moms who can function basically normally during pregnancy, but understand this – that is not the norm. Most pregnant women deal with a multitude of drains and hardships that they are not welcome to voice. 

I guess my takeaway from this realization is that I need to be sensitive to other women. None of our stories are the same, and just because things happened or didn’t happen to me doesn’t mean I know anything about what another woman is going through or what’s being done to her body. All I can do is offer her love and acceptance and a helping hand when I can.

In spite of the difficulties associated with this pregnancy, believe it or not, my joy is immeasurable. These past few months have been the perfect example of what a mysterious paradox life can be. Along with the bodily aches and pains have been the unspeakably sweet pangs of anticipation and love – oh, such deep, deep love for this tiny body housed in mine. My tears of joy have been frequent and precious. I am not ignorant to the fact that many women would LOVE to experience the hardships of pregnancy and aren’t able to – and because of that I am beyond grateful for the chance to bear this child. The other day I was riding in the car, thinking about cooking dinner. Totally unbidden, I had a vision of me with a little girl – I was showing her how to chop vegetables. Tears sprang to my eyes…will I really have the chance to teach a little one how to talk and sing and read and BE A HUMAN? What greater joy is there than this?? 

As hard as this has been – as hard as this will be – I do not for a second regret the months and years of sacrifice that come with this little girl. To bring her into the world will be the greatest achievement, the greatest joy of my life.